I was around 25 when my life changed dramatically. I lived in Bali and was madly in love with an Indonesian singer who was born to be on a stage performing. What an energy he exuded! What a presence! Our relationship lasted for the most of two years and taught me to be ‘the other woman’, the number two for love. Although I didn’t realize it at the time, I had been that number two from the very start of the romance. This became clear as we grew more fond of each other and found it very hard to separate. So we continued the relationship.
When we were together we were HAPPY! I was happy. So in love with this bubbly man. I believed him when he told me that he would end it with woman number one and eventually he did, so he said.
He loved me, he said. He wanted to be with me, he said. All the fishes in the sea could not be happier than me at that time 😊 Oh how I wanted to be number one. I wanted to build a life with this man. A blissful Indonesian life on one of the most magical islands in the world. (I was unaware that this ‘longing’ originated from deep seeded trauma from my youth.)
And it looked like it would finally happen. I became pregnant with his baby and we were both elated with that news. I remember him kissing my belly madly and looking at me with such love in his eyes.
As a performer he sometimes spent several weeks on other islands, and sometimes nearby countries, and it was that time. Shortly after we bathed in sweet joy, he had to leave.
From the moment he was gone all contact between us ended. Huh? What was going on? I couldn’t make sense of it. Had something happened to him? To put my mind at ease I contacted a close friend of his and he clobbered me with the truth: while away he married woman number one! Married her! I didn’t even know she was still in the picture. I thought I had become number one and our unborn baby had too.
The pain I felt by this betrayal is indescribable. I actually don’t remember all that much about that time, except that I could hardly move my body. I crawled towards a corner of my beautiful house and stayed there for hours. I was defeated… My heart ached so badly that I could feel something tear inside of me. Incessantly. I cried rivers. Perhaps you know what it feels like to cry from your depths of depths, when it literally feels like you’re being turned inside out. From the womb, where our deep emotional pain lies.
And then one morning the inevitable happened. I woke up during the night and noticed that my sheets were bloodied. I knew instantly I had lost my baby.
Then my life changed. I became numb. The inability to feel joy and live life fully stuck to my bones for many years. At first it was very apparent, in hindsight, that I was hurting. I went out every night, neglected my work, sought out ‘bad guys’ to ‘fall in love with’, behaved promiscuously, subconsciously refused to feel and drank excessively…
My behavior was primarily steered by my unhealed pain. But I didn’t know! I actually thought I was doing alright. I wasn’t miserable, at all. I even thought I was happy. But I felt a numbness around my heart. The softness in my being had disappeared. Even after many years had passed. I was wounded and didn’t allow myself to heal. Instead, I tried to prove to the world, and to myself, that I was doing great. That I was making a life for myself, had it all together, was a great mum, a strong woman, good at everything…
The more I DID, the more I would be wanted, praised, loved…
I went back to school, got two degrees and graduated with honors. I was a great student and tackled the biggest challenges first. Successfully. But the numbness around my heart remained and I still didn’t feel joy. It seemed I was thirsty for something ALL the time. And it couldn’t be quenched.
My overcompensating behavior was subconscious of course. I had no idea I was looking for something external to make me happy. Something to fulfill me. No clue…
Until Life lent a hand.
Just three years ago everything changed AGAIN. Depression came over me. Like a dark veil. It forced me to look at how I had lived my life for so many years and I started to discover patterns in my behavior. All born from soil of emotional pain. I mustered up the courage to look at my inner world. A world I had kept hidden for a looooong time. Some time before that I was clever enough to go see a psychoanalyst (he is still with me to this day!) so that I could understand what was going on inside my gloomy brain. It helped me tremendously, although it was just the beginning of an extraordinary journey.
More time passed before I began to FEEL that my brain or my rationality could only do so much. I began to understand with my senses that deep healing actually happens through the BODY! It happens when we tune into and connect to our fleshly shell. Because that is where all our pain is stored. In our cells. In our heart. In our womb. I knew I needed to go THERE.
So I did.
On my own.
I began a new journey of self-discovery, love and healing through my body. And it started with allowing silence and becoming aware of my senses. No more hiding. No more numbing the self in order to ‘feel less’. I had found the strength to embark on this insane expedition. I got informed, read tons of books, signed up for a mindfulness course, meditated, started taking REAL care of my beautiful body by eating plantbased, integrated yoga and women practices, experimented with breathing, took course after course after course, etc. And that, again, changed EVERYTHING!
I started to realize that all of what I was looking for externally had been WITHIN me the whole time. I came home to a place I didn’t know. And gosh, it’s beautiful!
Dear woman, if you too feel lost sometimes. If you feel like you don’t have a handle on your life, you feel numbness and are eager to truly LIVE. If you too wish to reconnect to your beautiful Self through embodiment practices. If you long to tap into your inner strength and femininity. I’ve got you!
Reach out to me and let me guide you towards a life of love, complete self-acceptance, balance, radiance, gratitude, trust, clarity and heart-centered living. I've got a beautiful one-to-one program that works on just that!
My sister, I feel you. I've been there. Reach out.
Get to know me by registering for my FREE offerings or take a look at my delicious 8-week program:
'Cyclical Woman!'
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